Category: Life

12 Tips to Putting Your Affairs in Order

June 30, 2019 / Chuck Conway

Disclosure: I am not an attorney, a financial expert, or an expert in estate planning. I highly recommend, before arranging your affairs, you consult a professional.

We all die, hopefully, it’s at a jolly old age, but that’s not always the case. When you do leave, it’s important to have your affairs in order, especially if you have a large estate and/or dependents. 

Over the last few years, I’ve had the difficult task of laying my parents to rest, including both step-parents. From my experience, the best gift one can leave behind is having your affairs in order. It’s heart-wrenching planning a memorial after someone’s passed.

Below are 12 tips for getting your affairs in order:

Leave detailed instructions on how to distribute your assets. After someone passes, it’s an emotional time, things may get heated, and feelings may be hurt. Save them the grief, and leave detailed instructions, be specific as possible, you’ll save your heirs much heartache. Let them be mad at you instead of each other.
Do you feel overwhelmed by the amount of stuff you have? Your heirs will feel twice the burden, make it easy, and sell your stuff or give it away. You might be overwhelmed, that’s ok, just focus on one thing at a time. Some websites I recommend for selling used items are eBay and Facebook Marketplace, if you can’t sell it, donate it. Donations are accepted at most churches, Goodwill, and Salvation Army. If no one will take it and it contains metal like an electric motor you can scrap it. Your last option is taking it to the local landfill.
Research or consult with a professional on the financial and estate laws in your area. Where I live (California), an estate valued at $150,000 or more is subject to estate tax (also known as a Death Tax). An estate tax can be 50% or more, this is your worth that would otherwise be passed to your heirs. Protect your assets and consult with an estate planner about your options, such as a trust, to minimize your tax liability and protect your estate.
Plan your memorial. This is your final opportunity to share your thoughts and feelings with your family. Your loss is an emotional time, take the burden off your family and friends, and prepare words for your service. Reflect on your life, your achievements, your humorous moments, your failures, your regrets, and your successes, leave parting advice and go out on a happy note.
Plan your final resting spot. Do you want to be cremated? If so, where do you want your ashes spread? Consult laws in the area, some regions have restrictions on spreading ashes. Maybe you wish to be buried in a plot, does a cemetery know of your wishes? Do you want an open casket? Do you want a memorial? Do you want a graveside service? The more details, the better
Plan for your dependents in your absence. Who will care for them when you’re gone? Will there be any financial support? Life insurance might be an option, Life insurance pays your designated beneficiary upon the death for qualifying events. Policies vary greatly, contact an insurance representative for more details.
Tell your heirs were you hid the money. Some hide it in a mattress, others secure it in a financial institution. It’s important to account for all your assets. Create a detailed list of your assets, so they can be dispersed according to your wishes.
Give someone the power to make decisions for you. Stuff happens. An accident, a stroke or dementia can put you in a state where you no longer have the ability to make decisions. Giving someone or multiple people control (power of attorney) over your affairs to ensure that quick sound decisions are made on your behalf.
Give someone the ability to make medical decisions for you. If you are on life support, without brain activity, what are your wishes? Consider having an Advanced Medical Directive. An Advanced Medical Directive gives a person or people the ability to make medical decisions on your behalf when you are unable. It expresses your wishes on treatment in certain situations such as electing a [DNR] (Do Not Resuscitate) or completing a Physicians Orders for Life-Sustaining Treatment (POLST) form.
Create a list of people to be notified. Leave instructions to who you want to be informed. It might be as simple as logging into Facebook and leaving a message, or you can leave a list and contact information for family and friends you want to be notified.
Plan what will happen to your data. In the internet age, everything we do creates data. Maybe you have a Facebook page, a Twitter account, or smartphone. Who will control your data, and what will happen to it? , and federal laws on a deceased person’s data is regulated.
Keep a list of your accounts and passwords. There are services or applications to keep your passwords secure. I personally use LastPass, but there several excellent services for managing your accounts and passwords. Ensure someone you trust can access the information.

As I mentioned before, consult a professional and get guidance on what serves your situation the best. Knowing your options and maximizing your estate’s resources will give you peace of mind and benefit you and your heirs when it’s your time.

Leaving your Family a Parting Gift

June 13, 2019 / Chuck Conway

Losing my parents is the most painful experiences I’ve endured. It’s often said, “you don’t know what you have until you lose it,” this is especially true with your parents.

My mom passed in late 2009, and even though her health was poor, we were surprised with her passing. She didn’t have any arrangements, any money, or any wishes recorded and she left belongings without instructions as to who should receive them. We, the family, stepped in and did our best with what we thought she would want, but it was difficult; each family member had a different opinion as to what she wanted, and it caused significant tension in the family.

In 2010, my step-mother passed, a year prior, she received a cancer diagnosis. She promptly updated her will and planned her memorial. She even began preparing arrangements for my dad. When she finally passed, her affairs were in order. The pastor read her parting words, and we laid her to rest.

My step-mother’s funeral was well planned: She pre-arranged everything from the songs to the words spoken at her funeral. We mourned her passing and enjoyed her final message. Afterward, the family came together and recalled the good times.

Immediately, after my mother passed, I didn’t believe it. In the back of my mind, I kept thinking, “Are you sure she’s gone? Could this be a mistake?” I found myself putting together her arrangements, facing this truth so soon, was almost unbearable.

Time and space are critical to accepting a loss.

This experience left me feeling the greatest gift I can bestow is having my affairs in order when the time arrives.

The Burdens and the Rewards of Caring for the Elderly

October 24, 2017 / Chuck Conway

My dad is dying. He suffers from Alzheimers and cancer; his doctors estimate he has between six months and a year to live.

My wife and I decided my dad’s best chance would be with us. At the beginning of the year, we moved him into our home.

Caring for the elderly is an immense burden, one that has challenged us in every way.

My dad requires 24-hour care. Like most with Alzheimer’s, he’s prone to falling, wandering, incontinence, and peeing in the closet (this might be unique to my dad). The feelings of frustration, being trapped and resentment build up when caring for him. Having the responsibility of caring for someone 24 hours a day wears on you. Its a constant build-up of stress. We take breaks to help us reset and stay calm. Otherwise, the mounting stress of caring for my dad becomes overwhelming.

It’s hard to describe what caring for the elderly is like, the closest analogy is caring for a child: a child can’t be left unattended, messes happen, and sometimes he/she can’t grasp the bigger picture, but it’s also different. A child learns, and you are privileged with witnessing their minds blossom, in the elderly, it’s the opposite, you tragically witness their minds wither. This brings on incontinence, unpredictable behavior and sometimes violent outbursts, both verbal and physical.

Empathizing with the suffering from Alzheimer’s helps me relate to my dad: Imagine waking up not know where you are or how you got there. Imagine not recognizing the people around you. Imagine not knowing who you are. Imagine being in a constant state of confusion. Any normal person in these conditions would be scared out of their wits. This is what every minute of life is like for those suffering from Alzheimer’s.

When I first started caring for my dad, he was a strong independent man. It’s been heartbreaking watching him deteriorate from a strong, powerful man to a frail, feeble man. This might sound strange, but my relationship with my dad is closer now than ever before. However, it’s different. I’m now the parent, and he’s the child.

Since coming to stay with us, I’ve learned a lot about my dad and his condition. For example, I have a new relationship to bodily functions. Before, upon the sight of feces, I would recoil and think: “Ewwww, that’s disgusting,” now, upon the sight of feces, I think: “Oh, no big deal, that’s how the body works.”

My dad can be comical:

We live in typical suburban America. One night a week, my wife cares for my dad while I exercise. One evening, my dad said he needed to use the bathroom. My wife helped him up, and they started walking toward the bathroom, but instead of walking down the hall to the bathroom my dad headed into the living room. When my wife asked about the bathroom, he said he didn’t have to go. They walked around the living room and then he started towards the front door. My dad began opening the front door, my wife stopped him and asked him what he was doing. He said, “I’m going out to take a whiz off the front porch.”

My dad can also be charming:

He’ll often say things like “Is that you?”, “I’m so glad you stopped by, come by more often!” He’ll offer you a bite of his food. He’ll make sure you are full or have food to eat. He’ll go around each evening ensuring all the doors and windows are locked. How do you get upset at someone for trying to keep you fed and safe?

For me, caring for my dad can be intensely frustrating, but it can also be immensely gratifying. In one moment, he’ll wander and be combative, and in the next moment, he’ll call me by name and remember I’m his son for the first time in months.